My husband and I have been married now for 15 years so I feel I’m marginally qualified to speak on this subject. It’s funny because I can clearly remember how a long time ago, one of my biggest life goals was to get married. And as in life goals I mean the lofty type you don’t necessarily expect to reach like getting an inheritance out of nowhere. Can you believe that?? For a while I even thought that I wasn’t a good enough package for someone to pick me. It’s amazing what your low self esteem filled underage brain can come up with when you’re young and misinformed. Now that I’m older and much more seasoned, I feel its my duty to share how I navigate the unpredictable waters of matrimony.
Please note that these are only my thoughts and what works for me may not be what works for others so take any piece of this that helps you and leave the rest.
· The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit
Your faith is most important because this is what gets you through the tough times. It reminds you of the unconditional love that should be the foundation of your relationship. Without it you can expect your relationship to crumble at the slightest breeze of adversity.
· Be a Complete Person All by Yourself. Your Spouse Won’t Fill Every Void.
This is the one thing I wish I knew more about before I got married. As I said before, one of my goals was to get married. I thought that would complete me. Well he hates when I say this, but my husband gave me the BEST advice a young 20-year-old girlfriend could hear. “Don’t center your life around me!” he said. Now at 20 years old this broke my heart into a million pieces. A million pieces I said! Once I picked my dramatic self up off the floor and dried my eyes, I took this advice home with me to chew on it a bit. He was right! Your mate is attracted to you for all the things that YOU are so never stop being YOU. Continue to grow and explore yourself (within respectful boundaries of your marriage that is) and if he or she is right for you, you’ll move through the changes just fine. Keep in mind though that even as you change, you can’t expect that your partner will change or grow at your same pace. Just continue to support each other along the way.
· Make Love Often
It’s as simple as that. If you’re making love, you’re not making war. If you think that holding out to prove a point helps your marriage? It doesn’t. This is your BOND. The more time and space you put between this bond, the easier it is for outside distractions to fill up this space which further separates you. Another piece of advice is to make love to your partner the way THEY like it and vice versa. Basic alllllll the time is not cool. Hey, I know!! I’m still working on this part myself.
· The Ups and Downs will Always Be There – Just Wait It Out!
This is probably not the best example, but I compare this part of marriage to a video game. Just think back to when you were playing Super Mario Brothers, you make it through one stage, and you move to the next! The goal is to keep winning!
Level 1 – You deal with trust and communicating as a newly married couple. You are creating a home together and get your first taste of the Money talks.
Level 2 – You begin to learn how to Fight Fair. You struggle with the fear that every fight will lead to divorce. You are consumed with dealing with kids and in-laws.
Level 3 – You struggle with the 7-year itch, boredom, thoughts of infidelity, friends of the opposite sex, changing bodies and body confidence issues.
Level 4 – The reconnect! You grow as a couple and become stronger together, more active sex life (with each other that is), you communicate better, arguments look more like discussions and you have proved that you can thrive together.
Level 5 – Aging parents becomes a topic. How do we level up as a couple? How do we keep our connection and maintain the attraction?
Prayerfully the levels go on and on and sometimes you fall back down a few levels to start again. The point is to stick with it. If you love each other, you will find a way to make it through.
· Do You Want to be Right? Or Do You Want to be Happy?
I love a good debate! Marriage takes a different kind of communication though and sometimes you just have to take one for the team so choose your battles wisely. Around year six or so I finally realized that although I was able to prove how right I was, I still felt like I wasn’t helping him HEAR me. My focus had to shift to figure out how to make him understand and truly HEAR me as opposed to being right. A lot of the issues were my inability to listen because “I’m Right!” Well once my focus changed my communication style did too. I try to refrain from yelling and lean more towards discussion, so we are both open to hearing both sides and work together for a compromise. Please know that I’m a work in progress and sometimes I still yell a few obscenities at the top of my lungs to remind him that I’m Crazy AF and don’t play with me. Baby steps none the less.
· The In-Laws
This is such a tricky subject for most marriages. I had a real quick and dirty introduction to this topic and have heard the horror stories. I must admit that initially I felt some tug of war here on both sides, his and mine. This is TOUGH! But aside from whose macaroni tastes better and who is allowed to just popup to the house and how often, I had to realize that it is NOT A COMPETITION. Our families love us and that doesn’t just magically go away because you get married. George and I had to make our relationship the priority and gently break it to our family. I’m never going to be his mother, nor do I want to be. I’m quite happy with my role as Wife and no one can take either one of our places. SOOO, my Mother in Love and I both enjoy our common goal and that is loving him in our own separate ways.
· Find a Human Support Person or Persons
I talk to God often but girrrrrlllll! If nothing else, find you a good sister/friend that supports your goal to be a Happily Married Woman. I don’t care if they are family, friend, pastor, Auntie, single, married, or divorced! As long as they are objective enough to call you out when you are wrong, they can be trusted, and they don’t hold grudges once you and your spouse aren’t fighting anymore. Honey!!! My BFF, my Sister, Niece, Aunties and close friends certainly get an earful from me but at the end of it all they truly support my goal to be happily married to George.
Thank you for taking the time to listen to my rambling and I hope there was something here you could take with you.
Until next time.
-K