I know it’s been a while since my last blog post, but a lot has happened. I have a Senior in High School, a Sailor, and I’m healing from cancer.

Life has really been lifing to say the least. As I’m writing this, we have just celebrated my final round of chemo and I’m on a bit of a high! I know this is such a private and serious topic and I have contemplated sharing much of anything but if it can help or encourage anyone going through it and/or caring for those going through it then my work is done.

I’m a naturally busty woman and the twins have been a part of my life all my life. Those with breasts will understand all the episodes and scares of having cysts and other lumps that show up throughout life so like most, I was accustomed to getting them checked early and scared out of my mind at the process involved in determining whether its cancer or not. Time and time again, the outcome had always been benign which means no cancer. So even though the process is horrifying, I always hung on to the outcome being benign. Until October 2023. I went in for my routine mammogram in September and got a call/letter stating more imaging was needed. I was used to this by now but for some reason I felt a little different inside. I was fighting back tears the moment I went to the appointment. If you know me, you will know that I’m no stranger to tears. I am the softest person you will ever meet but I can be tough when I need to be. I got there and they performed a mammogram and ultrasound on the areas in question. I was sitting there searching the face of every technician, nurse and doctor looking for some sign of bad news. They gave me nothing. Not until the doctor came in to read the photos the ultrasound technician took. At that time, the doctor said let’s look at them again which is pretty standard, what changed everything was when she said, “ go up to the lymph node.”  For some reason, I knew it wasn’t good. After that, they cheerfully scheduled me for a biopsy the next day, (another indicator to me that it was urgent) and off to the races we went. The biopsy happened on a Friday and Tuesday, October 31st at lunchtime, I got the call that I had indeed had cancer.

Breaking the News to the People I love

When I tell you I wanted to fall on the floor, faint, scream oooh lawwwwddd (in my Bernie Mack voice). But instead of that, I wept quietly with my friend Lynn, told my boss what happened and left work. I called Hubby and could barely get the words out.  Let’s take a quick pause. Never in a million years did I think the hardest thing about this whole experience was telling the people I love and watching them try not to fall apart. Watching and hearing the helplessness in their voices. THAT was the hardest thing so far about this entire ordeal. We kept pretty quiet about it for a while because we had to break the news to our babies. Yes, they’re 21 and 17 but they are still our babies.

Before we shared the news with the boys, we needed to get all the information we could so the week of my son’s Naval Graduation, we met with the doctor and gathered all the pieces of this nightmare to string together with our threads of hope. As I sat waiting with my Hubby, my sister Donnica, and my best friend Shawn, the doctor told us to “Go to Chicago, enjoy your family and the graduation, its not aggressive, and when you get back, we will get to work.” I put my face in my hands and sobbed. I cried in disbelief. I cried about the unknown. I cried about my life. Then for some reason I felt a sense of peace and a message that came so loud to me that I had to write it down. The message was “sometimes God has to use you to show others what he can do.”   I later found a bible verse, Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your mind in Christ Jesus, this sums it up perfectly.

We took the scenic route to Chicago and witnessed one of the most breathtaking presentations celebrating hundreds of young people. One being my own. I smiled the entire time, and loved on my babies as much as I could before we would have to break their hearts. When we got back home from Chicago, I was met with a whirlwind of appointments, and it was getting hard to conceal what was about to happen, so we finally broke the news to our babies. Amazing enough, once I got past that mountain, I was ready to fight. They saw that and they were hopeful too. I made a joke when talking to my oldest (he was skeptical about whether we were telling him the whole truth) and said I’m going to be fine but I’m mostly concerned about what I’m going to do with my eyebrows!

The Fight Thus Far

Ok, I was diagnosed as Stage 2 and required 16 rounds of Chemotherapy, surgery, radiation, and hormonal therapy. We have only just completed the 16 rounds of chemotherapy so let’s talk about that. The first four rounds were scheduled every two weeks because of how harsh the meds were. This was extremely tough, and I am a tough girl, but this experience put me on my a**. The immediate side effects were fatigue, extreme nausea, constipation, and other funny looking stuff that come out of your hind parts. Two days after each session (which fell on Saturdays) I was in bed from sun up to sun down. I only had energy to bathe and then returned to bed. The nausea (even with nausea combating meds) carried over several days and just when I began to feel like myself in that two-week period, it was time to do it all over again. I really enjoy homemaking, I cook, clean, bake, talk, make stuff and I couldn’t do any of that, so my sense of worth was dwindling. My boys were utterly amazing though. Hubby and Mother-in-Law cooked and checked on me around the clock. My family called and visited often and my AWESOME Work Family sponsored food for us for two months! My friends and family sent food,  gift boxes, letters, cards, drawings, books, journals, blankets, and anything they thought would make my life easier. My people are amazing. I was so overwhelmed with the outpouring of love from all different directions. I cried a lot because not only was I now off birth control pills, I was also experiencing menopausal symptoms. Sheesh. My poor husband just wiped away the tears and told me I was beautiful. Often. Our holidays were celebrated in sickness and in health and we fought hard to keep our regular holiday traditions while battling this monster.

Then the hair loss happened. Another side effect I experienced was scalp sensitivity and hair loss. My scalp hurt so bad, and I would complain to George about it. Then the hair just came out in clumps. Every time I would pull at it, clumps would fall out. I grieved this part because I couldn’t find a wig that made me feel pretty. I wasn’t prepared. I felt exposed. There’s no hair to hide behind. So, I told George to just cut it off! THIS WAS ONE OF THE MOST LIBERATING THINGS I HAVE EVER DONE. I felt so relieved afterwards. Baldilocks was born!! We took to social media to post my first bald photo and there it was. Our secret was out. And there were hundreds celebrating my little peanut head with me. Support from soooo many people, high school friends, social media friends, friends of others and it was so overwhelming. So warming. I have a village that is very serious about me. I love you all. I posted as often as I could and still tried to carry out my life with as much normalcy as possible, all while pausing to go through the pains of chemotherapy.

We made it through the rough chemo cocktail finally and we were now moving into a milder form without nausea for me. Woooohooooo! I felt like a new woman! If you have ever had a hangover, and you finally feel better you want to do any and everything you can because you’re so happy just to feel better! This chemo lasted 12 weeks. The downside to this one, in my experience, are two side effects, 1. Dark Nails and 2. Neuropathy. Now I’m a girly girl so when my hands start looking like the Crypt Keeper, I was so sad. My hands turned extremely dark, and my nails began turning black. On top of that, neuropathy causes pain and numbness in the fingers and toes. I sometimes felt like a baby calf trying to walk in heels because of the awkward feeling. George often teased me with a nickname “Tender Tips” cause my fingers and toes hurt so bad. My hands are beginning to turn back but the nails are still questionable. We have reached the end of the first milestone and that is making it through 16 rounds of chemotherapy. We are off now to surgery discussion. So, stay tuned for part two!

The Message

I was skeptical about sharing but I really wanted to show up as human as possible and give a glimpse into my experience hoping it can help you or help you help someone else. 1. We are all fighting loud and sometimes silent battles so please be kind and have reasonable expectations of people, you never know how thin a thread they are hanging onto just to show up for themselves, let alone others. 2. Get your body checked, this is serious. Stop neglecting your health. Annual preventative appointments can save your life! 3. Get right with God. We don’t know how long we have on this earth.  4. Love unapologetically. Live unapologetically. Show your people how much you love them now instead of regretting it later.

Thank you for listening, until next time.

-K